Since my goal with my blog is more personal and reflective of what life is really like, I guess that since it’s been a while, the truth is that I just haven’t had time. Or, to be more specific, I haven’t made the time to write. In short, the events in my life since I last blogged have included: listing and attempting to sell our house, visiting Florida for my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary, attempting to get a job (and turning one down), working on two novels in an attempt to fulfill a personal dream, trying to stay sane as I continue the homeschool battle, and various other miscellany that makes up the stay-at-home mom’s job. And since my goal in my blog is to be honest…I have to say that I’ve eaten my way through it all.
Today’s blog is going to be about weight struggles, battles with self-image and self-worth, and my motivation to get back on track in a healthier lifestyle. I used to think I was a stress eater…that was in college when I was frequently chowing down on all kinds of food when I studied or wrote a big paper. Then I thought I was an emotional eater…when I moved away from my family and started my first job and literally knew one person (my now-husband). Then I didn’t really care, I was just a hungry eater. Now I realize I’m just an eater. My mom gave me a great book to read titled The Vice-Busting Diet by Julia Havey. I’m not done with it but it has made me admit to myself that I am all too willing to give myself excuses to eat. Oh, I cleaned a room…let’s have a cookie as a reward. Oh, my favorite show is on? Let’s make some movie butter popcorn. Stress in my life? Food. Food, food, food. Even when I’m trying to be healthy I have an unhealthy obsession with food.
Maybe it’s my personality. I definitely have a bit of an obsessive personality so if I start thinking about something or participating in a new project it really can consume me if I’m not careful. Probably it’s just an excuse. The reality is that I struggle a lot with being a stay-at-home mom. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being home with my boys but I so often have feelings of frustration. Am I doing the right thing for my children? Oh, boy, I get to wash dishes AGAIN. And in three hours, I’ll do it again…and again…and by the end of my life, how many times will I have washed these dishes. Then I reach for something to eat. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I wish I had an answer. Now that we are faced with the situation that I need to go back to work or we need to downsize our mortgage payment I struggle with feeling like I have taken my time home with my boys for granted and I’m a terrible mother…and then I eat.
See? I know I’m doing it…I just can’t seem to stop or at the very least, I just can’t seem to make myself stop.
So, back to the book. It is just a simple approach to looking at what we are doing when we eat and how to make it better. And, this time, I’m doing it for my family. I used to desire to lose weight to look better and, of course, be healthier. But this time around I realize that I have made unhealthy choices and used unhealthy excuses for them. I know I can have success at losing weight…after Bryan was born I got down to my high school weight. Unfortunately I psyched myself out of my weight loss because I was still outside of my “recommended weight range” and the weight quickly came back as I allowed myself to fall back into old habits.
The reality for me is that I will most likely always struggle with my weight and with making good food choices. But I am at a point now where I know I need to be healthier…not just smaller. It’s easy for me to look around at all women I spend time with and say, well, I’m bigger than almost everyone so I can just be the big funny girl. The reality is that I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment. And yet I can’t stop myself from having one more piece of cake, one more glass of pop. Recently, we attended the funeral of a very close family friend…my mother’s best friend, actually. And it just brought home to me how short life really is. I’m in my thirties now…and I’m hoping for a healthier life.
I know I can’t do it on my own. If I have actually learned anything from my past, that is what I have learned.
So this time, I am actually starting my weight loss with a program called Advo Care. To me it seems like a great combination of the two weight-loss programs I have had success with in the past. There are supplements and a schedule for the first twenty-four days and I see a lot of parallels between the menu options and what I already know to be healthy eating. I am also making myself exercise. If I can watch an hour of TV a night, I can do it while I’m on the treadmill. I just start earlier so that I can still get to bed at a reasonable time. My goal is that I would be able to create a healthier lifestyle for me and my family. I don’t want my boys to struggle with food choices and exercise choices when they grown up. I want them to experience making good choices…so, yes, you can have a kids’ meal today BUT we aren’t going to eat there every day. I want them to have exposure to all kinds of food but live in balance.
I’m really excited right now because I have been able to get through the first four days without cheating. I definitely have support this time and I especially want to thank my friend, TC, for supporting me. There are people who will support me, I know. I have just come to the realization that I have to be the one to do it. My mom has always said, “No one will take care of you except for you,” and it’s taken me a while to get there but I finally know it is true. People can support and offer words of encouragement but it really is up to me and no one else.
Well, I know it is a pretty self-centered return to my blog, but there it is. To close, I’m hoping to put up a hilarious clip from the Middle which just really reminds me of the reality of what it is to be a woman and struggle with self-image. Of course if it doesn’t work I guess you’ll miss out on the humorous experience. 
